On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
