never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
