Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
