Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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