your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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