Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Drunk is a universal language darling
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
