i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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