well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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