I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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