The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
