I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
