i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We had to coat check the pizza.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
