I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
