New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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