So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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