Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
