this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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