Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
