I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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