he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
