You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
