MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize