I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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