i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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