Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
