I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You are a genius and a whore.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
