I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
