If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
