It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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