Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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