Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
