you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
