I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
