Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
