i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize