I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
