Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My feet surprised me
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