How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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