we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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