remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
