I could have mohawked her pubes.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
