Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
