Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
