Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I want a musical about memes.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
