How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
