So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
