I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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