Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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