So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
