apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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