Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
PANTIES FOUND
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