It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
