Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
