here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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