she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
YAS. BRING CRAB.