I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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