I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
